I Know

I know he loves me.

I know he doesn't want to hurt me.

I know he would do all he can to make me happy.

I know he's extremely stressed over some issues which need to be taken care of.

I know the length he'd go to put a smile on my face.

I know he'd readily apologise if I tell him he hurt me.

I know the love we have is strong.

I know he wouldn't disrespect me on purpose.

I know he would like for me and him to move to a place where no one knows us and as a result can't hurt us.

I know I'm his most prized possession.

I know how he cares about my feelings.

I know. I know. I know.

He loves me. He said it. He showed it to me. He shows it to me any chance he gets.

I love him too. Very much.

HE. KNOWS.

I Need You

Why is love hard and painful? I know it conquers all but should it hurt like that? Why, when I really need you, you are off somewhere oblivious to my need? Why should I always transfer my need to you verbally? Ain't you supposed to know? Can't you read the signs? Don't you think I'm tired of begging for your attention? Is it too much to ask? How is it that I reach to you when you need a shoulder to lean on without you saying a single word? Why it never seems a burden to me to cater to whatever you require of/from me?

Questions and questions and questions...I don't want to spend my life asking, begging, wondering; I want to be loved just like you're loved. I need you to hug me when my world turns upside down. I need you to catch me when I fall. I need you to hold my hands in yours and tell me everything will be alright, that we will be alright. I need you to be there for me as I am for you.

I need you...

Miserable Git

I've come to the conclusion that I love being miserable. Happiness sounds like a good plan but everytime I try to embrace it, it eludes me and I settle back into my own misery.

Baby Momma Is Back!

Baby Momma strikes again! Now she is doing rounds. Going around and telling a heap of lies about Mister H and I. Well not really lies about me. She can't stomach the sight of me sitting down with my laptop everyday and do nothing. What can I do if I CAN afford sitting down and don't lift one damn finger?! At least I'm not running my mouth about people and NOT minding my own business.

I can go on and on about what harm she's doing to Mister H and I but I think I won't bother wasting more time and space on her and her deceptive antics. I'm having too much of a nice day today. After a long long while.

So here's to me and my life!

Mrs BM And Her Drama

When I was a teenager I told myself that I'd never fall for a guy who already has kids. I remember being an avid reader of Mills & Boon and I'd make sure that I do not pick up any book illustrating the hero as a father of one child or more. I managed pretty well until I met Mister H. I was so head over heels that him having 4 kids from 4 different women didn't even bother me. THEN. I'm still not bothered by it now. I mean I love kids and I don't mind his relationship with them. Nor with the baby mommas. But part of me wished that his baby mommas would stay away from us. Or cease to exist.

3 of them live far away from us. Except the third one. First time we met we hit it off like a house on fire. She was so nice to me. I took an instant liking to her and thought she was the best amongst the BMs. For a few months we kinda bonded and were on 'girlfriend' mode. Mister H was so pleased - and a bit cocky if you ask me for he constantly bragged about his missus and BM being the best of pals and so on - that he encouraged our friendship.

Any misgivings I had melted away. Until a couple of months ago. Mrs BM, it seems, can't stop telling me about Mister H and her - why their relationship didn't work, the reason she left him, how she got played etc. A first time turned into a second time turned into a third...'til I couldn't keep count. Plus, the 'advice' and how I should be careful. Mister H and I started to argue because of her. After careful thinking I started to distance myself away from her bitterness and her obvious delight to my misery. For the sake of the child I was being courteous. She still didn't pick up on my 'cold vibes' and think it's her duty to report Mister H's each and every move when I'm not around.

It all came to an end - I would like to believe so - when she had someone calling me at home. The anonymous caller doesn't even know how I look like but according to her Mister H is cheating on me with Ms Slutty, not knowing that Ms Slutty is also a friend of mine; she always visits me when she comes home. Then followed another phone call from Mrs BM herself to tell me that Mister H is with someone, unaware that he was on the other line talking to me.

That was the last straw. I stopped talking to her altogether. I promise myself I would no longer entertain her 'passion' of driving a wedge between Mister H and I. Next time if/when she calls me I'll certainly give her a piece of my mind and not so politely, ask her to butt off. Period.

Jaded But Happy

Straight to the point.

What would you do if you know your man is cheating on you? Not a full blown affair but a ‘here and there’ fuck?

14 years ago, I wouldn’t mind because I was doing it too.

10 years ago, I still wouldn’t mind because I’m doing it too.

6 years ago, I would definitely cheat on him because he did.

5 years ago, I was cheating anyway so you’re forgiven.

4 years ago, not being jealous, I would tolerate it and classify that relationship as “open”.

3 years ago, I would kick your ass! And kick the bitch’s ass too! And then I’d have another man do me in the same bed we were doing it. How about that?

2 years ago, I’d cry, whine, moan and act like a betrayed woman whose only strength lies in beating her chest and ask why me?

1 year ago, I’d still lament and bawl my eyes out and wonder what did I do wrong? Why is God punishing me?

6 months ago, nothing has changed and God still hates me. I’m a good girl ain’t I? I sex him good don’t I? Plagued with questions and self-doubts I’d wail even louder.

1 month ago, I’d feel heartbroken and tell myself, “What goes around comes around...”

Last night, he loves ME. I’m the only one for him. He is cheating on me. So what? He still comes home, back to me. I’m the one who got her ring finger adorned. I’m the one who’s carrying his last name. He wouldn’t leave me for a cheap whore who’s willing to fuck a married man, less any man. He is treating me better, out of guilt or out of whatever; he is going the extra mile to make my heart sing. We don’t fight as much as we used to. We’re spending quality time. Maybe the trick is doing us a favour? Maybe I’m crazy? He still loves me right? So there you go. End of discussion.

This morning, OMG! What happened to me? What IS happening to me? When did I start compromising my moral values for my own happiness? Wait! That did sound right, right? RIGHT?? It’s my happiness at stake. I’d do anything to be happy. Not a fleeting happiness but the long lasting kind of happiness. The happy-deep-within happiness.

Yes! Yes! I’m well jaded BUT happy!

Billed Out!

Bills.

Electricity bill.

The one bill I've always taken for granted. I don't have any reasonable explanation for it but I somehow thought when it comes to electricity I'd never 'run out' of.

This morning dawns on our land, sunny and breezy. A typical summer morning. One feels refreshed as soon as one gets up from bed. No grogginess. No grumpiness. An emerging smile on your face when you look up at the clear sky.

Everything would be ok today. That's what I was telling myself. Until Mister H informed me that the electricity engineers are outside to disconnect our supply. Last week a payment was effected and there was no notice about the disconnection. Last Sunday we received the amount due for this month (even I don't understand how they operate) and the last date of payment is up today, the 11th of September 2009.

The day is not over yet and already the engineers are here to turn our heaven into hell. Before the clock strikes 10 a.m.

On the phone with them, we learned, for the first time, that we have arrears for last month. I was baffled because how can you have arrears when you're paying, full charges, every month? It's a new policy which, supposedly, states that as soon as customers enter the arrear mode their power supply get cut off. Immediately! No prior warning. No nothing.

Mister H, very calmly and ever so polite, told the phone operator he would pay whatever he needs to pay to get back the current. He, in turn, was gently reminded that he WOULD HAVE TO PAY a reconnection fee and everything would be back on AFTER 4 p.m. Which is not a certainty. It's a 'probably'.

Now, sitting here, in deep thought, I'm wondering about the motive of the electricity board. Is it a new method of 'extorting' money out of regular customers?

That pushed me into bunching up all the payments effected and bills received from them. All I need to do now is to analyse every piece of money we gave them. And find out if really we got arrears!