Jaded But Happy

Straight to the point.

What would you do if you know your man is cheating on you? Not a full blown affair but a ‘here and there’ fuck?

14 years ago, I wouldn’t mind because I was doing it too.

10 years ago, I still wouldn’t mind because I’m doing it too.

6 years ago, I would definitely cheat on him because he did.

5 years ago, I was cheating anyway so you’re forgiven.

4 years ago, not being jealous, I would tolerate it and classify that relationship as “open”.

3 years ago, I would kick your ass! And kick the bitch’s ass too! And then I’d have another man do me in the same bed we were doing it. How about that?

2 years ago, I’d cry, whine, moan and act like a betrayed woman whose only strength lies in beating her chest and ask why me?

1 year ago, I’d still lament and bawl my eyes out and wonder what did I do wrong? Why is God punishing me?

6 months ago, nothing has changed and God still hates me. I’m a good girl ain’t I? I sex him good don’t I? Plagued with questions and self-doubts I’d wail even louder.

1 month ago, I’d feel heartbroken and tell myself, “What goes around comes around...”

Last night, he loves ME. I’m the only one for him. He is cheating on me. So what? He still comes home, back to me. I’m the one who got her ring finger adorned. I’m the one who’s carrying his last name. He wouldn’t leave me for a cheap whore who’s willing to fuck a married man, less any man. He is treating me better, out of guilt or out of whatever; he is going the extra mile to make my heart sing. We don’t fight as much as we used to. We’re spending quality time. Maybe the trick is doing us a favour? Maybe I’m crazy? He still loves me right? So there you go. End of discussion.

This morning, OMG! What happened to me? What IS happening to me? When did I start compromising my moral values for my own happiness? Wait! That did sound right, right? RIGHT?? It’s my happiness at stake. I’d do anything to be happy. Not a fleeting happiness but the long lasting kind of happiness. The happy-deep-within happiness.

Yes! Yes! I’m well jaded BUT happy!

Billed Out!

Bills.

Electricity bill.

The one bill I've always taken for granted. I don't have any reasonable explanation for it but I somehow thought when it comes to electricity I'd never 'run out' of.

This morning dawns on our land, sunny and breezy. A typical summer morning. One feels refreshed as soon as one gets up from bed. No grogginess. No grumpiness. An emerging smile on your face when you look up at the clear sky.

Everything would be ok today. That's what I was telling myself. Until Mister H informed me that the electricity engineers are outside to disconnect our supply. Last week a payment was effected and there was no notice about the disconnection. Last Sunday we received the amount due for this month (even I don't understand how they operate) and the last date of payment is up today, the 11th of September 2009.

The day is not over yet and already the engineers are here to turn our heaven into hell. Before the clock strikes 10 a.m.

On the phone with them, we learned, for the first time, that we have arrears for last month. I was baffled because how can you have arrears when you're paying, full charges, every month? It's a new policy which, supposedly, states that as soon as customers enter the arrear mode their power supply get cut off. Immediately! No prior warning. No nothing.

Mister H, very calmly and ever so polite, told the phone operator he would pay whatever he needs to pay to get back the current. He, in turn, was gently reminded that he WOULD HAVE TO PAY a reconnection fee and everything would be back on AFTER 4 p.m. Which is not a certainty. It's a 'probably'.

Now, sitting here, in deep thought, I'm wondering about the motive of the electricity board. Is it a new method of 'extorting' money out of regular customers?

That pushed me into bunching up all the payments effected and bills received from them. All I need to do now is to analyse every piece of money we gave them. And find out if really we got arrears!

Answers

Part of me wants to believe his story but the other half wants to lash out at him and scream: "I'm not stupid and I know..."

It hurts. I want to go far away. From him. Just for a while.

Only he knows what's the truth but my trust in him has gone...He's treading on very thin ice. Only the love I have for him is keeping him by my side. For how long will the love last? I don't know. Time will tell.

I get angry when he stands me up and lies to me; but when I see him all the fury disappears. My heart swells with relief and love. My heart tells me to forgive and forget. My brain wouldn't let me forget.

I'm confused. Is it love? Is it an obsession? How will I know? It's my first time.

I need answers.

I need peace.

I need him.

Freedom

I was carrying around this huge ball and chain, attached to my tiny ankle, dragging me down to a past which didn't belong to me. It was proving to be a tiresome restraint. I couldn't move forward because of it. Up until yesterday!

The chain has been severed off. A simple signature took care of it. No more obstructions.

I can now hold up my head high. And shout I'm free! Or, rather we are free!

I can't find words to describe the joy that's clutching my heart right now.

Oh! Sweet Freedom!

Punctuality

Recent phone conversation between boo and I:

Me: "Are you done yet?"

Boo: "Almost. I'll be over in the next 15 mins."

Me: "Okay, cool." Go back to reading blogs on 20sb

20 minutes later...

Me: "20 minutes are gone and you're not here. What's holding you up?"

Boo: "Just finished. Now I'm on my way to you. Expect me in 15 mins."

What?! Another 15 mins? Grinding my teeth, I mumbled something and hung up.

900 seconds later...

Me: "Where the hell are you?!"

Boo: "In the 'burbs...got an emergency duty call. Next 5 mins I'll see you. You wouldn't even know I was gone."

Me: "Fuck off! Do whatever you fucking want."

Click.

Phone rang 10 minutes later.

Boo: "Why did you hang up on me?! I was helping someone and now I'm ALL done and coming to you. 10 minutes."

Me: "Whatevs!"

Click!

19 minutes elapsed and I'm still waiting...

Frustration

Frustration always empowers my mental system when I'm not getting things my way.

Impatience compounds my frustration which ends in desolation. I like retreating myself in my own world - mentally and physically - before I might do something I'd regret afterwards. How could I let a simple emotion dictate my actions?

I should be stronger and don't let trivial things bother me.

It's easier said than done though...

Hunger

The older I get the bigger I grow. The bigger I grow the greedier I become.

Eating food is like appreciating art. I take my time to savour every bite I chew. People say I need to watch my weight. Being fat is not in fashion and never will be. Not that I'm really fat but a few extra cruves here and there. I do not have the determination to get up and exercise. Every morning I tell myself, 'It's a new day and I need to change my diet...'

And then I think about breakfast...

A hearty one...