Answers

Part of me wants to believe his story but the other half wants to lash out at him and scream: "I'm not stupid and I know..."

It hurts. I want to go far away. From him. Just for a while.

Only he knows what's the truth but my trust in him has gone...He's treading on very thin ice. Only the love I have for him is keeping him by my side. For how long will the love last? I don't know. Time will tell.

I get angry when he stands me up and lies to me; but when I see him all the fury disappears. My heart swells with relief and love. My heart tells me to forgive and forget. My brain wouldn't let me forget.

I'm confused. Is it love? Is it an obsession? How will I know? It's my first time.

I need answers.

I need peace.

I need him.

Freedom

I was carrying around this huge ball and chain, attached to my tiny ankle, dragging me down to a past which didn't belong to me. It was proving to be a tiresome restraint. I couldn't move forward because of it. Up until yesterday!

The chain has been severed off. A simple signature took care of it. No more obstructions.

I can now hold up my head high. And shout I'm free! Or, rather we are free!

I can't find words to describe the joy that's clutching my heart right now.

Oh! Sweet Freedom!

Punctuality

Recent phone conversation between boo and I:

Me: "Are you done yet?"

Boo: "Almost. I'll be over in the next 15 mins."

Me: "Okay, cool." Go back to reading blogs on 20sb

20 minutes later...

Me: "20 minutes are gone and you're not here. What's holding you up?"

Boo: "Just finished. Now I'm on my way to you. Expect me in 15 mins."

What?! Another 15 mins? Grinding my teeth, I mumbled something and hung up.

900 seconds later...

Me: "Where the hell are you?!"

Boo: "In the 'burbs...got an emergency duty call. Next 5 mins I'll see you. You wouldn't even know I was gone."

Me: "Fuck off! Do whatever you fucking want."

Click.

Phone rang 10 minutes later.

Boo: "Why did you hang up on me?! I was helping someone and now I'm ALL done and coming to you. 10 minutes."

Me: "Whatevs!"

Click!

19 minutes elapsed and I'm still waiting...

Frustration

Frustration always empowers my mental system when I'm not getting things my way.

Impatience compounds my frustration which ends in desolation. I like retreating myself in my own world - mentally and physically - before I might do something I'd regret afterwards. How could I let a simple emotion dictate my actions?

I should be stronger and don't let trivial things bother me.

It's easier said than done though...

Hunger

The older I get the bigger I grow. The bigger I grow the greedier I become.

Eating food is like appreciating art. I take my time to savour every bite I chew. People say I need to watch my weight. Being fat is not in fashion and never will be. Not that I'm really fat but a few extra cruves here and there. I do not have the determination to get up and exercise. Every morning I tell myself, 'It's a new day and I need to change my diet...'

And then I think about breakfast...

A hearty one...

I'm Horny!

It just hit me. I haven't had any sexual intercourse for more than a month. Because of some minor complications. At night time I tend to feel lustful. I usually fight the ardent feeling by doing other stuff. Anything that'll keep my mind off of it. But the more I try to curb the desire the more horny I get. Pushing it aside (mentally) is not helping.

Seeing him everyday. Being in close proximity. Smelling his sweat. Feeling his touch on my skin. It's driving me crazy.

I feel so guilty when I pray to God, asking Him, begging Him to speed up my recovery.

ASAP.

Mind Your Own Business

As the day settles into night I can't help but think about today's events. Talking to someone on the phone asking me personal and pertinent questions. Got stood up. Another broken promise. Had a stern talk to one of the helpers. My mind running wild with assumptions.

For a jobless individual like me I had quite a busy day.

And deep within, I just want to scream at the people around me. Especially the one who's trying to weed out information. Why do folks want to know my business? What I do and who I do it with is none of your business but mine. I can mind my own so why don't you do the same?

Some people are quick to judge. Fair enough. As long as you zip it up or choose to decide to hire a shrink who'll digest all the shit you dump on him/her.

Stay out of my life. I muster courage to spit it out to you but at the last minute I let my weakness overpower my anger. Maybe it's a good thing.

For you.