Jaded But Happy

Straight to the point.

What would you do if you know your man is cheating on you? Not a full blown affair but a ‘here and there’ fuck?

14 years ago, I wouldn’t mind because I was doing it too.

10 years ago, I still wouldn’t mind because I’m doing it too.

6 years ago, I would definitely cheat on him because he did.

5 years ago, I was cheating anyway so you’re forgiven.

4 years ago, not being jealous, I would tolerate it and classify that relationship as “open”.

3 years ago, I would kick your ass! And kick the bitch’s ass too! And then I’d have another man do me in the same bed we were doing it. How about that?

2 years ago, I’d cry, whine, moan and act like a betrayed woman whose only strength lies in beating her chest and ask why me?

1 year ago, I’d still lament and bawl my eyes out and wonder what did I do wrong? Why is God punishing me?

6 months ago, nothing has changed and God still hates me. I’m a good girl ain’t I? I sex him good don’t I? Plagued with questions and self-doubts I’d wail even louder.

1 month ago, I’d feel heartbroken and tell myself, “What goes around comes around...”

Last night, he loves ME. I’m the only one for him. He is cheating on me. So what? He still comes home, back to me. I’m the one who got her ring finger adorned. I’m the one who’s carrying his last name. He wouldn’t leave me for a cheap whore who’s willing to fuck a married man, less any man. He is treating me better, out of guilt or out of whatever; he is going the extra mile to make my heart sing. We don’t fight as much as we used to. We’re spending quality time. Maybe the trick is doing us a favour? Maybe I’m crazy? He still loves me right? So there you go. End of discussion.

This morning, OMG! What happened to me? What IS happening to me? When did I start compromising my moral values for my own happiness? Wait! That did sound right, right? RIGHT?? It’s my happiness at stake. I’d do anything to be happy. Not a fleeting happiness but the long lasting kind of happiness. The happy-deep-within happiness.

Yes! Yes! I’m well jaded BUT happy!