I Know

I know he loves me.

I know he doesn't want to hurt me.

I know he would do all he can to make me happy.

I know he's extremely stressed over some issues which need to be taken care of.

I know the length he'd go to put a smile on my face.

I know he'd readily apologise if I tell him he hurt me.

I know the love we have is strong.

I know he wouldn't disrespect me on purpose.

I know he would like for me and him to move to a place where no one knows us and as a result can't hurt us.

I know I'm his most prized possession.

I know how he cares about my feelings.

I know. I know. I know.

He loves me. He said it. He showed it to me. He shows it to me any chance he gets.

I love him too. Very much.

HE. KNOWS.

I Need You

Why is love hard and painful? I know it conquers all but should it hurt like that? Why, when I really need you, you are off somewhere oblivious to my need? Why should I always transfer my need to you verbally? Ain't you supposed to know? Can't you read the signs? Don't you think I'm tired of begging for your attention? Is it too much to ask? How is it that I reach to you when you need a shoulder to lean on without you saying a single word? Why it never seems a burden to me to cater to whatever you require of/from me?

Questions and questions and questions...I don't want to spend my life asking, begging, wondering; I want to be loved just like you're loved. I need you to hug me when my world turns upside down. I need you to catch me when I fall. I need you to hold my hands in yours and tell me everything will be alright, that we will be alright. I need you to be there for me as I am for you.

I need you...

Miserable Git

I've come to the conclusion that I love being miserable. Happiness sounds like a good plan but everytime I try to embrace it, it eludes me and I settle back into my own misery.

Baby Momma Is Back!

Baby Momma strikes again! Now she is doing rounds. Going around and telling a heap of lies about Mister H and I. Well not really lies about me. She can't stomach the sight of me sitting down with my laptop everyday and do nothing. What can I do if I CAN afford sitting down and don't lift one damn finger?! At least I'm not running my mouth about people and NOT minding my own business.

I can go on and on about what harm she's doing to Mister H and I but I think I won't bother wasting more time and space on her and her deceptive antics. I'm having too much of a nice day today. After a long long while.

So here's to me and my life!

Mrs BM And Her Drama

When I was a teenager I told myself that I'd never fall for a guy who already has kids. I remember being an avid reader of Mills & Boon and I'd make sure that I do not pick up any book illustrating the hero as a father of one child or more. I managed pretty well until I met Mister H. I was so head over heels that him having 4 kids from 4 different women didn't even bother me. THEN. I'm still not bothered by it now. I mean I love kids and I don't mind his relationship with them. Nor with the baby mommas. But part of me wished that his baby mommas would stay away from us. Or cease to exist.

3 of them live far away from us. Except the third one. First time we met we hit it off like a house on fire. She was so nice to me. I took an instant liking to her and thought she was the best amongst the BMs. For a few months we kinda bonded and were on 'girlfriend' mode. Mister H was so pleased - and a bit cocky if you ask me for he constantly bragged about his missus and BM being the best of pals and so on - that he encouraged our friendship.

Any misgivings I had melted away. Until a couple of months ago. Mrs BM, it seems, can't stop telling me about Mister H and her - why their relationship didn't work, the reason she left him, how she got played etc. A first time turned into a second time turned into a third...'til I couldn't keep count. Plus, the 'advice' and how I should be careful. Mister H and I started to argue because of her. After careful thinking I started to distance myself away from her bitterness and her obvious delight to my misery. For the sake of the child I was being courteous. She still didn't pick up on my 'cold vibes' and think it's her duty to report Mister H's each and every move when I'm not around.

It all came to an end - I would like to believe so - when she had someone calling me at home. The anonymous caller doesn't even know how I look like but according to her Mister H is cheating on me with Ms Slutty, not knowing that Ms Slutty is also a friend of mine; she always visits me when she comes home. Then followed another phone call from Mrs BM herself to tell me that Mister H is with someone, unaware that he was on the other line talking to me.

That was the last straw. I stopped talking to her altogether. I promise myself I would no longer entertain her 'passion' of driving a wedge between Mister H and I. Next time if/when she calls me I'll certainly give her a piece of my mind and not so politely, ask her to butt off. Period.

Jaded But Happy

Straight to the point.

What would you do if you know your man is cheating on you? Not a full blown affair but a ‘here and there’ fuck?

14 years ago, I wouldn’t mind because I was doing it too.

10 years ago, I still wouldn’t mind because I’m doing it too.

6 years ago, I would definitely cheat on him because he did.

5 years ago, I was cheating anyway so you’re forgiven.

4 years ago, not being jealous, I would tolerate it and classify that relationship as “open”.

3 years ago, I would kick your ass! And kick the bitch’s ass too! And then I’d have another man do me in the same bed we were doing it. How about that?

2 years ago, I’d cry, whine, moan and act like a betrayed woman whose only strength lies in beating her chest and ask why me?

1 year ago, I’d still lament and bawl my eyes out and wonder what did I do wrong? Why is God punishing me?

6 months ago, nothing has changed and God still hates me. I’m a good girl ain’t I? I sex him good don’t I? Plagued with questions and self-doubts I’d wail even louder.

1 month ago, I’d feel heartbroken and tell myself, “What goes around comes around...”

Last night, he loves ME. I’m the only one for him. He is cheating on me. So what? He still comes home, back to me. I’m the one who got her ring finger adorned. I’m the one who’s carrying his last name. He wouldn’t leave me for a cheap whore who’s willing to fuck a married man, less any man. He is treating me better, out of guilt or out of whatever; he is going the extra mile to make my heart sing. We don’t fight as much as we used to. We’re spending quality time. Maybe the trick is doing us a favour? Maybe I’m crazy? He still loves me right? So there you go. End of discussion.

This morning, OMG! What happened to me? What IS happening to me? When did I start compromising my moral values for my own happiness? Wait! That did sound right, right? RIGHT?? It’s my happiness at stake. I’d do anything to be happy. Not a fleeting happiness but the long lasting kind of happiness. The happy-deep-within happiness.

Yes! Yes! I’m well jaded BUT happy!

Billed Out!

Bills.

Electricity bill.

The one bill I've always taken for granted. I don't have any reasonable explanation for it but I somehow thought when it comes to electricity I'd never 'run out' of.

This morning dawns on our land, sunny and breezy. A typical summer morning. One feels refreshed as soon as one gets up from bed. No grogginess. No grumpiness. An emerging smile on your face when you look up at the clear sky.

Everything would be ok today. That's what I was telling myself. Until Mister H informed me that the electricity engineers are outside to disconnect our supply. Last week a payment was effected and there was no notice about the disconnection. Last Sunday we received the amount due for this month (even I don't understand how they operate) and the last date of payment is up today, the 11th of September 2009.

The day is not over yet and already the engineers are here to turn our heaven into hell. Before the clock strikes 10 a.m.

On the phone with them, we learned, for the first time, that we have arrears for last month. I was baffled because how can you have arrears when you're paying, full charges, every month? It's a new policy which, supposedly, states that as soon as customers enter the arrear mode their power supply get cut off. Immediately! No prior warning. No nothing.

Mister H, very calmly and ever so polite, told the phone operator he would pay whatever he needs to pay to get back the current. He, in turn, was gently reminded that he WOULD HAVE TO PAY a reconnection fee and everything would be back on AFTER 4 p.m. Which is not a certainty. It's a 'probably'.

Now, sitting here, in deep thought, I'm wondering about the motive of the electricity board. Is it a new method of 'extorting' money out of regular customers?

That pushed me into bunching up all the payments effected and bills received from them. All I need to do now is to analyse every piece of money we gave them. And find out if really we got arrears!

Answers

Part of me wants to believe his story but the other half wants to lash out at him and scream: "I'm not stupid and I know..."

It hurts. I want to go far away. From him. Just for a while.

Only he knows what's the truth but my trust in him has gone...He's treading on very thin ice. Only the love I have for him is keeping him by my side. For how long will the love last? I don't know. Time will tell.

I get angry when he stands me up and lies to me; but when I see him all the fury disappears. My heart swells with relief and love. My heart tells me to forgive and forget. My brain wouldn't let me forget.

I'm confused. Is it love? Is it an obsession? How will I know? It's my first time.

I need answers.

I need peace.

I need him.

Freedom

I was carrying around this huge ball and chain, attached to my tiny ankle, dragging me down to a past which didn't belong to me. It was proving to be a tiresome restraint. I couldn't move forward because of it. Up until yesterday!

The chain has been severed off. A simple signature took care of it. No more obstructions.

I can now hold up my head high. And shout I'm free! Or, rather we are free!

I can't find words to describe the joy that's clutching my heart right now.

Oh! Sweet Freedom!

Punctuality

Recent phone conversation between boo and I:

Me: "Are you done yet?"

Boo: "Almost. I'll be over in the next 15 mins."

Me: "Okay, cool." Go back to reading blogs on 20sb

20 minutes later...

Me: "20 minutes are gone and you're not here. What's holding you up?"

Boo: "Just finished. Now I'm on my way to you. Expect me in 15 mins."

What?! Another 15 mins? Grinding my teeth, I mumbled something and hung up.

900 seconds later...

Me: "Where the hell are you?!"

Boo: "In the 'burbs...got an emergency duty call. Next 5 mins I'll see you. You wouldn't even know I was gone."

Me: "Fuck off! Do whatever you fucking want."

Click.

Phone rang 10 minutes later.

Boo: "Why did you hang up on me?! I was helping someone and now I'm ALL done and coming to you. 10 minutes."

Me: "Whatevs!"

Click!

19 minutes elapsed and I'm still waiting...

Frustration

Frustration always empowers my mental system when I'm not getting things my way.

Impatience compounds my frustration which ends in desolation. I like retreating myself in my own world - mentally and physically - before I might do something I'd regret afterwards. How could I let a simple emotion dictate my actions?

I should be stronger and don't let trivial things bother me.

It's easier said than done though...

Hunger

The older I get the bigger I grow. The bigger I grow the greedier I become.

Eating food is like appreciating art. I take my time to savour every bite I chew. People say I need to watch my weight. Being fat is not in fashion and never will be. Not that I'm really fat but a few extra cruves here and there. I do not have the determination to get up and exercise. Every morning I tell myself, 'It's a new day and I need to change my diet...'

And then I think about breakfast...

A hearty one...

I'm Horny!

It just hit me. I haven't had any sexual intercourse for more than a month. Because of some minor complications. At night time I tend to feel lustful. I usually fight the ardent feeling by doing other stuff. Anything that'll keep my mind off of it. But the more I try to curb the desire the more horny I get. Pushing it aside (mentally) is not helping.

Seeing him everyday. Being in close proximity. Smelling his sweat. Feeling his touch on my skin. It's driving me crazy.

I feel so guilty when I pray to God, asking Him, begging Him to speed up my recovery.

ASAP.

Mind Your Own Business

As the day settles into night I can't help but think about today's events. Talking to someone on the phone asking me personal and pertinent questions. Got stood up. Another broken promise. Had a stern talk to one of the helpers. My mind running wild with assumptions.

For a jobless individual like me I had quite a busy day.

And deep within, I just want to scream at the people around me. Especially the one who's trying to weed out information. Why do folks want to know my business? What I do and who I do it with is none of your business but mine. I can mind my own so why don't you do the same?

Some people are quick to judge. Fair enough. As long as you zip it up or choose to decide to hire a shrink who'll digest all the shit you dump on him/her.

Stay out of my life. I muster courage to spit it out to you but at the last minute I let my weakness overpower my anger. Maybe it's a good thing.

For you.

A Brief Intro

DEMETER.

My name.

Okay. It’s not. I wish though.

I’ve chosen to blog under a pseudo because I want to express myself freely.

It’s not my first blog. I am a diligent blogger but recently I’ve started to feel a reluctance to write about the people in my life. For the simple reason that they are reading whatever I’m writing. It’s no longer my personal space where I can mudsling anyone. Hence Demeter was born.

But why Demeter?

Wasn’t she a Greek goddess or something?

Yes she was!

I’ve always been fascinated by Greek mythological and historical figures. And Demeter is the closest I can relate to. Aphrodite also, minus the beauty part. I am pretty but not that pretty!

In any case, if you like reading random blogs, especially nonsensical ramblings – sometimes not – then stay tuned!